Recently, my friend Nicole told me about a particular talk called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. Her talk underscores the fact that humans need love and connection. A lot of what prevents us from feeling love and connection are feelings of shame--the sense of "I'm not ____ enough." On the other hand, when people have love and connection they believe they are worthy, that they are "enough," regardless of others' impressions. These people are what she calls whole-hearted, and whole-heartedness comes from the courage to be imperfect, to practice compassion with themselves and then others, and to be authentic.
Now here's where she gets me:
"The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."
So, I'll tell you a (not so) secret: I'm dating someone new. And I really like him. I like like him. And it's sort of scaring me shitless. But it's also exciting and marvelous and draws me to checking my inbox for his quirky emails and wanting to plan weekend visits and imagine doing all sorts of fun things quite possibly past next weekend and the next and the next. And it's requiring me to be vulnerable. To be, in Brene's words, willing to "do something where there are no guarantees" and "invest in a relationship that may or may not work out."
And that requires patience and presence. The ability to live in joy in the moment and not worry too much about those future weekends and be grateful for what IS. NOW.
Today, I sent him an email. Innocent really. But I included two tiny letters that I've never closed an email to him with: xo. How do I feel? Vulnerable. I'm not sure how he's going to receive this text (or even acknowledge it if at all) given that neither one of us has been particularly lovey in our messages. X. Kiss. O. Hug. Simple, right? Not "I love you," but it's also not the usual banter. I'm putting it out there: I care for you. I enjoy you. I like like you.
I clicked "send" before I gave myself too much time to reconsider because one part of me thinks, "Well, if he's not into it, then it's better to know now than later...and then I won't get as hurt. Right?" And the other part is, "Fuck it. What makes me vulnerable makes me beautiful. (Good quote, Bren)." And then the tiniest part says, "Kate, you are enough. Stop worrying. Live now. Trust the process." (That's the part, the little seed inside, that I must water the most). ...I need to log out of my email.
I aim to be whole-hearted. To have courage. And now that my heart feels so light and bursting, it's time to embrace all aspects of being vulnerable in this new space. Because if I'm not in that space I'm numb, and I'd much prefer to be able to tell you that I'm almost scared shitless than to say I don't feel anything at all. I am enough.
Let's just hope he replies soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment