Home Alone

I found this image on one of my favorite blogs, A Cup of Jo.  Pretty sure I'm a cliche...like, one of those girls that says, "My dream is to go on a cross country road trip with my dog" only to have her boyfriend say he's heard that line a billion times.  Yes, that happened.  Whatever.  All I know is 1) I want to do that and 2) I'm guilty of three or four things on this list (minus the cat (weird) and Zumba (double weird)).

Seriously, yoga in your underwear in the living room is the best.  Chocolate in the morning is a balanced breakfast (my mom told me so and she's a nurse).

We interrupt your day...

for a bit of existentialism.

B and I email back and forth during the week.  Sometimes funny stuff, sometimes research-y articles, sometimes cool, design-related things.  I just noticed that for the past few weeks I've been sending him a lot of existential articles about things like anxiety and death.  Obviously, grief over leaving a job in grief work is coming out in my email habits (which makes me laugh about how real/absurd/normal/crazy that is).

So, instead of emailing B these links, I'm going to take a break from subjecting him to my sad, nutty world of internal processing and share it with you instead.  You lucky, lucky dog.

First, this act of This American Life made me sob (I mean, heaving, "What the fuck?!" sobs that actually felt really good).

Second, if you're feeling anxious, here's a little something to put it all in perspective.

Third, an article that I did, in fact, send B.  I've tried using this trick a few times and it is really helpful.  

What I'm Listening To

"Graceland" by Paul Simon--not the single... the whole damn album.  Loved it for a long time.  Lots of reasons why...cultural, political, musical... Plus, we share a birth year.  And who can forget Chevy Chase in "You Can Call Me Al"?

Here's the full album.

If you're into "research" (especially these legit links) about the album, check it out:
Wikipedia (duh)
The Guardian from 2012
Someone's dissertation (Thanks Jonathan Greer!)
NPR's "All Songs Considered"

Mala update

65 days into my 108-day yoga mala.  How's it going?  Hard.  But not in the "go hard" sense.  More like mental gymnastics.  Getting to yoga class is sometimes difficult because of my work schedule or because I already taught and don't feel like going back to the studio after working and teaching.  And physically, taking the class isn't an issue.  The toughest thing has been convincing myself that I'm still doing yoga AND doing my best if I do a 5 minute home practice.  

I came at this challenge with simple guidelines: "It doesn't have to be pretty.  I don't have to do yoga for a set amount of time.  I just need to get to class or do a home practice once a day until May 15, 2014."

Well, overall, I've managed to do yoga at least 5 times a week.  Pretty good, right?  There's just this little annoying part of me that says "You're not doing it right and pushing hard enough!" that makes me feel kind of anxious about not reaching my goal.  Like, it's all a wash if I don't take a balls to the wall yoga class every day for 108 days.  Or, 5 minutes doesn't really count as yoga, so I may as well not do anything at all.  Or, even more self-sabotaging, if I can't tell other people that I did this challenge the hard way, and get their gold star of approval, then I failed.  Hellllooooo Perfectionism.  

So, I put on my counselor hat and asked, "What would I tell a client who might be in this position? What imaginative strategies might give me the key to unlocking some of this bullshit?" 

1) Acknowledge Perfectionism--understand some of that self-sabotaging thought

2) Go with the simple guidelines and accept the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable to feel like I'm taking the easy way out

3) Maybe even expand or change the guidelines so that I can include teaching as part of "doing" yoga--It's my damn challenge; I do what I want.  If it makes me anxious to "miss" classes because I'm feeling stretched and need a break, then TAKE A BREAK and include your time already spent in the studio!

It just so happens that I'm reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, at the same time as this challenge.  Letting go of that Perfectionism is going to be a good practice in the midst of this transition to Raleigh--something I'm doing for me just like this mala.  With 43 days left to go, I'm going to try giving myself a little grace.   

Celebrations!

This weekend was all about birthdays: my sister's quarter century bash and my Grammy's 94th(!).  I am so lucky to celebrate them! 

Ally planned a 70s themed roller skating party which turned out to be hilarious! So much laughing and solid fun! 

Here we are American Hustle-ing. We capped off the night by shutting down the rink with an interpretive couples skate to much applause. 👯

Also got to celebrate Grammy with a tea party. I recently read an article about your "spiritual age" (i.e. How old you feel or imagine yourself to be) and asked Grammy about it. Grammy said sometimes she feels young and sometimes feels 100 and never thought she'd live to the year 2000. For her spiritual age she stated "in my 40s because I was very busy then and helping people" and proceeded to list the zillion things she's done. This is a lady who likes having something to do. I guess that's a nugget to take from her experience: keep busy and help people. At 94, she still does despite hearing and vision loss and sometimes feeling 100. 

So much fun with my sweet family and friends in Raleigh this weekend! I can't tell you how freaking excited I am about moving here very soon. Every time I get to hang out with folks here it just feels like home...like this is what's been missing all along...and it's comforting to know I've made the intentional decision to step into the unknown and follow my heart to where it feels at ease. At this point, I'm six weeks away from diving into the joyful unknown of possibilities that lie ahead here. 

Until then, here's capturing what's present and real and adorable right now:

Goodnight!

K

108

Without sounding too "woo woo" about numerology, astrology, energy fields, etc., I want to let you in on something about me:  I really dig that shit. Whether or not it's just me being superstitious, I think learning about these things gives some good food for thought.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  That's what most people do with organized religion, right?

I recently gave in my resignation from Kids Path.  My last day is May 15, 2014.  I know most of you are thinking, "Why the hell is she submitting her resignation NOW?  She's shooting herself in the foot."  Well, for you naysayers and finger-waggers, the three plus month resignation date is a means for planning--for me as I figure out what's next and for my employers so they can make sure they've got some coverage for the things we planned for the spring.

Why May 15th?  The date adds to the number 9, which is my personal number.  It's also a number that signifies endings.  05/15/2014:  0 + 5 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 0 +1 + 4 = 18 --> 1 + 8 = 9  The next day (5/16/2014) is a 1--a good number for beginnings.  Look at this woo woo site for more about it.  In other words, I'm going full circle--endings to beginnings.

And yesterday I had an idea.  With all the anxiety I've been feeling about wanting to leave Greensboro and waffling over my job, I thought a yoga challenge would provide something positive to focus on and help me get into a better head/heart/body/spirit space.  But how many days to do this challenge?  And then it came to me: 108.  I have exactly 108 days until I leave my job.  And 108 is a sacred number that also corresponds to my own sacred number 9 (1 + 0 + 8 = 9).  It all adds up.  Yoga every day for 108 days.  It doesn't have to be pretty.  I don't have to do yoga for a set amount of time.  I just need to get to class or do a home practice once a day until May 15, 2014.

A little more about numbers and yoga...  108 is an auspicious number in numerology.  Check it out.  In yoga, a mala consists of asanas (postures) that flow with the breath.  Each vinyasa (movement with breath) is like a bead on a strand.  When yogis talk about a yoga mala they may be referring to a series of 108 sun salutations done to mark the change of seasons or a transition time. The 108 salutations are a reflection of the 108 prayer beads found on a japa mala used in Hinduism.  Here's more about malas.




This 108 day challenge is my way of reflecting on my time in Greensboro before I officially say goodbye.  It's also a time to make some meaning out of my experiences here--specifically my purpose, grad school, working at Kids Path, and my personal emotional/spiritual work.  Doing this challenge is a way for me to come "full circle" in the midst of a lot of transition.  I can't guarantee that I'll write about each day of yoga, but perhaps every day I will write one word or phrase that comes to mind when I think about my time in Greensboro.

Today the word is serendipitous.

Brave and also afraid

For starters: I am, overall, very brave.  I'm also afraid of some very specific things that I try to ignore.  This realization came to me while listening to a radio story in which the interviewee talked about her recent breast cancer diagnosis and surgery.  Listening to stuff like this (sometimes) makes me kind of twitchy (because I'm afraid of cancer) and like I want to change the station but I can't because I'm too engrossed in my listener/interviewee relationship and I want to hear what happens next.  Does she get better?!  Does she have a near-death experience?!  Will there be some epiphany of wisdom that I don't want to miss?!    

As much as I affirm my resolution of Love Over Fear, I think there's a point in which my mantra can sound punitive.  Instead of a voice that purrs "Love over fear, sweetie," it becomes some sort of drill sergeant that orders me to do push ups every time I ignore it yelling, "LOVE OVER FEAR YOU GODDAMNED IDIOT!"  Sometimes, too, I think this mantra acts like a thought-stopping device that is both parts helpful for redirecting my attention to the positive and hurtful in facilitating deflection or ignorance of the fears I have.

As brave as I am, I need to explore fear in order to get past it (and by getting past it, I mean coming to terms with it).  If I ignore it, fear becomes this Big Thing that takes away any feelings of love and empowerment.  Further, I need to love myself in the midst of being afraid.  Loving myself in that uncomfortable moment allows me to care for me and, in turn, be able to know, seek out, and give love to others.  Here's another way of saying it:  loving in times of fear makes it easier to know what love is.  When we know what love is, we're able to see it when it's in front of us...we're able to go after it...we're able to get past the fear because we understand both sides.

So, here's the deal:  I'm starting a series of entries called "Afraid of: __________."  (I'll fill in the blank, don't you worry).  My hopes in writing these down are 1) Tell you all my deep, dark secrets (sort of); 2) explore my fears and make them less of a Big Thing; 3) Foster some sort of universality--because I know that I'm not the only person who feels afraid and it may just be that we share some of the same fears.

Speaking of which, that's the premise behind Fran Krause's Tumbler, "Deep, Dark Fears."  I just told B about this one:



What are you afraid of?