from LIFE
Friday 24 February 2012
Wednesday 22 February 2012
the nice* girl
Throughout most of my life, I've been known as a nice girl. The girl who's generally cheerful and helpful. The kind of girl you'd like your mother to meet so she can see what kind of crowd you hang out with (or at least pretend to). The girl you know your father would like not only because she's attractive but because she's ambitious and can multitask and maybe give you the flack you deserve when you're kidding around (and when you're not).
Being a nice girl has its advantages: you get to meet the parents to the credit of "You're the first girl I've ever let my parents meet." (As if that's not a red flag). You get to take on positions of authority because people believe they can count on you. You're usually handed jobs in customer service or public relations because potential supervisors see you as approachable. And at the very least, if you're pretty and nice, you'll get more tips in a food service job.
The shitty things that come with being a nice girl are how easily people make assumptions about your thoughts or feelings, and perhaps believe you're worth taking advantage of because you're nice and you'll put up with someone's bad behavior. Being nice also implies being moral and right and upstanding and doting, so the slightest provocation of these factors is titillating to others (yes, I said titillating), and makes them feel at liberty to announce and exaggerate what out of the box, not nice thing you've just done--especially as a female.
What's most fascinating about having been labeled a "nice girl" throughout most of my growing up is seeing people now that I haven't seen since the middle of college and wondering if their image of me and my image of them is the same as it always was. A couple of times recently, I found myself catching up with people who knew me five or six years ago when I still had short hair, was very much finding my confidence, had a solid record of good girl grades and volunteer service hours, and was trying to break out of being so goddamned nice. When I talk to people now, I still recognize that twinge of the Nice Girl Complex (ie. I don't want to be that person you think I am!), but I know that I'm different than I was even last year let alone six years ago and so are they. The experiences I've had, my ambitions, my vision of myself and how I want to be--all of those have blossomed into what I only saw beginning to flourish at 19 or 20--and there's still an undercurrent of niceness.
So, here's what I think I'm really getting at: just because I'm not terribly fond of being the nice girl, the bottom line is that I think it's an inherent trait that's coupled with some other not so nice personality factors. I know myself and when to express these parts without faking some false confidence or building up my ego in an attempt to hide insecurity. I'm also vulnerable. And I don't think you can live a very authentic life without a smidgen of vulnerability and showing others the kind of gratitude and kindness that suggest being "nice." Why would I want to surround myself with people who are stunted by their fear of taking responsibility for their feelings and extending themselves to others? I wouldn't. So I won't be that way.
I'm going to start reading A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks as soon as I get it in the mail. A lot of this book's content weaves into what I'm talking about, and I hope it will help me continue exploring what it means to be who I am and what I want to become. Maybe you'll read it too and we can talk about it.
*nice is just about the most trite, overused word I've ever heard and I just text vomited it here for you about twenty times. You're welcome.
Being a nice girl has its advantages: you get to meet the parents to the credit of "You're the first girl I've ever let my parents meet." (As if that's not a red flag). You get to take on positions of authority because people believe they can count on you. You're usually handed jobs in customer service or public relations because potential supervisors see you as approachable. And at the very least, if you're pretty and nice, you'll get more tips in a food service job.
The shitty things that come with being a nice girl are how easily people make assumptions about your thoughts or feelings, and perhaps believe you're worth taking advantage of because you're nice and you'll put up with someone's bad behavior. Being nice also implies being moral and right and upstanding and doting, so the slightest provocation of these factors is titillating to others (yes, I said titillating), and makes them feel at liberty to announce and exaggerate what out of the box, not nice thing you've just done--especially as a female.
What's most fascinating about having been labeled a "nice girl" throughout most of my growing up is seeing people now that I haven't seen since the middle of college and wondering if their image of me and my image of them is the same as it always was. A couple of times recently, I found myself catching up with people who knew me five or six years ago when I still had short hair, was very much finding my confidence, had a solid record of good girl grades and volunteer service hours, and was trying to break out of being so goddamned nice. When I talk to people now, I still recognize that twinge of the Nice Girl Complex (ie. I don't want to be that person you think I am!), but I know that I'm different than I was even last year let alone six years ago and so are they. The experiences I've had, my ambitions, my vision of myself and how I want to be--all of those have blossomed into what I only saw beginning to flourish at 19 or 20--and there's still an undercurrent of niceness.
So, here's what I think I'm really getting at: just because I'm not terribly fond of being the nice girl, the bottom line is that I think it's an inherent trait that's coupled with some other not so nice personality factors. I know myself and when to express these parts without faking some false confidence or building up my ego in an attempt to hide insecurity. I'm also vulnerable. And I don't think you can live a very authentic life without a smidgen of vulnerability and showing others the kind of gratitude and kindness that suggest being "nice." Why would I want to surround myself with people who are stunted by their fear of taking responsibility for their feelings and extending themselves to others? I wouldn't. So I won't be that way.
I'm going to start reading A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks as soon as I get it in the mail. A lot of this book's content weaves into what I'm talking about, and I hope it will help me continue exploring what it means to be who I am and what I want to become. Maybe you'll read it too and we can talk about it.
*nice is just about the most trite, overused word I've ever heard and I just text vomited it here for you about twenty times. You're welcome.
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Blog Finds
Here's a look at what I found today:
Au coin de ma rue - the author of this blog talks to people (literally "at the corner of [her] street") about their lives
Cute Overload - you've probably seen this, but who doesn't like baby animal pictures?!
These are so sweet. What a hip family.
An illustrated diary
Fictional places you can visit in real life
What do you think? Have any more to share?
(thanks to Shoko at sho & tell for the fun links!)
Au coin de ma rue - the author of this blog talks to people (literally "at the corner of [her] street") about their lives
Cute Overload - you've probably seen this, but who doesn't like baby animal pictures?!
These are so sweet. What a hip family.
An illustrated diary
Fictional places you can visit in real life
What do you think? Have any more to share?
(thanks to Shoko at sho & tell for the fun links!)
Monday 13 February 2012
love/hate
february and i have a love/hate relationship. funny, for a month that prides itself on the cozy snuggling up of valentines day and love in the coldest of winter months. i love/hate february because, inevitably, every year, i'm bound to a month of looking both outside and in.
what i mean is, for starters (on the outside), it's finally gotten cold in NC, so i've resorted to the electric blanket and wearing my parka around the house. (electric blanket = best gift ever). cold makes me achy and nostalgic, ready for hibernation and ten chocolate bars a day. and cheese. and things i'd rather do without at any other time. there's also this feeling that creeps in and stays heavy in my shoulders for a good six weeks--cold in my bones and submission, withering to the weather over which i have no control.
inside. that's another story. this past weekend was spent on mostly introverted endeavors, pondering the meaning of life, etc., etc. (folks, i watched Beaches--the one with Bette Midler--for crying out loud!). i guess i was feeling slightly miffed about things and the fact that my life seems slightly less than my own. and then here i am single and longing for overflowing, drunk-in-over-my-head L.O.V.E. that makes wearing a silk chemise to bed (knowing someone who makes me feel that way is using that otherwise cold second pillow) so much more rewarding. and, you know, at some point all the yoga in the world isn't going to make that feeling go away.
(besides that) i had the chance to go to dinner with Gram (one of the most vibrant people i know who also happens to be my grandmother) and she gave me relationship advice--and y'all she's like the oracle. she reminded me of where i was in my life. she encouraged me. she was real--not just my grandma, but an ally in my experience. sitting there with her, i was just reminded of and so grateful for the strong women in my family who have influenced my own womanhood.
sunday, i went to celebrate my uncle's birthday, which was wonderful and poignant at the same time. he reminds me of my dad so much, and i know he can't help but think about his brother when he sees my sister or me. and then, there was cake and celebration and laughing and more family and love--so much love being with them all.
the conclusion: the past few days refocused how in control and totally out of control of my life i am. for one, i can't control the weather and how the bitter wind freezes my laundry to the porch rails. i can't control the fact that my dad isn't around to celebrate his brother's birthday with our family. and i just about can't control the overwhelming, bursting feeling i get when i think about how much love i feel for the people in my life. (i don't even know if this string of thoughts is making any sense at all). there's this whole school of thought that posits how it's not the being in control of events but the management of your reactions to them that determines how you'll fare through change. perls called it logotherapy. buddha emphasized non-attachment. and then there's philosophy even going back to Epictetus who said, "men are not disturbed by things but of the view which they take of them."
so here i am, hating and loving this month as i confront all of the circumstances of my life right now, hating to deal with cold and nostalgia and longing, and loving the upwelling of feeling and richness these circumstances give to my experience. it's time to stop grasping so much, for the letting go to get a little more serious, and let it be.
by the way, here's my new favorite love song. i hope you like it because i do a lot.
what i mean is, for starters (on the outside), it's finally gotten cold in NC, so i've resorted to the electric blanket and wearing my parka around the house. (electric blanket = best gift ever). cold makes me achy and nostalgic, ready for hibernation and ten chocolate bars a day. and cheese. and things i'd rather do without at any other time. there's also this feeling that creeps in and stays heavy in my shoulders for a good six weeks--cold in my bones and submission, withering to the weather over which i have no control.
inside. that's another story. this past weekend was spent on mostly introverted endeavors, pondering the meaning of life, etc., etc. (folks, i watched Beaches--the one with Bette Midler--for crying out loud!). i guess i was feeling slightly miffed about things and the fact that my life seems slightly less than my own. and then here i am single and longing for overflowing, drunk-in-over-my-head L.O.V.E. that makes wearing a silk chemise to bed (knowing someone who makes me feel that way is using that otherwise cold second pillow) so much more rewarding. and, you know, at some point all the yoga in the world isn't going to make that feeling go away.
(besides that) i had the chance to go to dinner with Gram (one of the most vibrant people i know who also happens to be my grandmother) and she gave me relationship advice--and y'all she's like the oracle. she reminded me of where i was in my life. she encouraged me. she was real--not just my grandma, but an ally in my experience. sitting there with her, i was just reminded of and so grateful for the strong women in my family who have influenced my own womanhood.
sunday, i went to celebrate my uncle's birthday, which was wonderful and poignant at the same time. he reminds me of my dad so much, and i know he can't help but think about his brother when he sees my sister or me. and then, there was cake and celebration and laughing and more family and love--so much love being with them all.
the conclusion: the past few days refocused how in control and totally out of control of my life i am. for one, i can't control the weather and how the bitter wind freezes my laundry to the porch rails. i can't control the fact that my dad isn't around to celebrate his brother's birthday with our family. and i just about can't control the overwhelming, bursting feeling i get when i think about how much love i feel for the people in my life. (i don't even know if this string of thoughts is making any sense at all). there's this whole school of thought that posits how it's not the being in control of events but the management of your reactions to them that determines how you'll fare through change. perls called it logotherapy. buddha emphasized non-attachment. and then there's philosophy even going back to Epictetus who said, "men are not disturbed by things but of the view which they take of them."
so here i am, hating and loving this month as i confront all of the circumstances of my life right now, hating to deal with cold and nostalgia and longing, and loving the upwelling of feeling and richness these circumstances give to my experience. it's time to stop grasping so much, for the letting go to get a little more serious, and let it be.
by the way, here's my new favorite love song. i hope you like it because i do a lot.
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