Winter is coming!

Over the summer, I dove into Game of Thrones. (Seriously, nerd-ed out and not ashamed). Pretty sure it's what kept me afloat in the midst of partial employment and staying at my mom's. For those of you who don't know the Stark family motto (who are you?!), it's: Winter is coming. They say it at least once an episode. You can thank me for that pop culture tidbit when you answer the winning question at your next pub trivia night. Anyway, the weather is beginning to get chilly and my toes are constantly cold now, so I know winter is indeed coming even though it's only the middle of autumn and by all accounts it's been pretty damn warm.

But I hate the cold.

The other thing that's occupied my time is training for a 1/2 marathon that takes place NEXT SUNDAY. (Holy shit you guys I'm getting excited!). It's my first race since high school! I've trained for the past 4-ish months and feel good about my race goals: 1. Finishing and 2. Having a new (read: first of its kind) PR.

I've also been pretty obsessed with the ladies of Tone It Up. I started this program about a month ago and have lost inches--hooray! For some reason (moving, all the feelings, boredom), I gained weight while in Greensboro and after moving home. I know you want to see a before and after (because I sure would!) but just envision me with chubbier cheeks and the rest the same. Let's just say I wasn't feeling my best.  (Jeez, that sounds like such a girl thing). So, I bit the bullet, started doing the workouts, and am now one of those annoying people who talk about the most recent bandwagon they're riding. Check it out.

Suffice it to say this has been a fluffy update but I kind of like that. I'm excited about some fitness and fingers crossed with have a cool, fun, salaried job by the new year (y'all cross your fingers and toes too). Updates on that later...

A photo posted by Kate (@_katesutton) on Oct 10, 2014 at 3:32pm PDT

Saying goodbye

Last Thursday was my final day of work at Kids Path and last time teaching at Revolution Hot Yoga as a Greensboro resident.  Even though I've been looking forward to moving to Raleigh for a while, it was so surreal thinking about leaving my jobs and co-workers.  One thing that kept running through my mind was/is how ironic it is to be a grief counselor (i.e. one who helps people figure out how to say goodbye) and say a cascade of goodbyes to the people, places, and meaning of my experiences in Greensboro.  Nothing like the ending of something to facilitate a wave of nostalgia.

Funny, too, how I keep relating these goodbyes to grief work and how similar the feelings and reactions of ending something like a job or leaving friends can be to grief over death.  In the counseling world, we call the ending of a client relationship or group, "termination," and some even use the term death.  There's a sense of permanence even if sometimes the goodbye is more like a see-ya-later.  So, it's not too much of a surprise to me that I've been feeling cranky this weekend (granted, it's a challenge knowing it's OK to feel cranky and actually letting myself feel that way).  My task is giving myself the permission to be brave enough to take the time I need to adjust and slow down.  Too often I want to rush ahead and figure out what's next, filling my plate back up before I've even digested what's happened. 

Well, here it is, the Monday after my last day of work, saying goodbye to all of my clients and co-workers and friends, and moving to Raleigh.  Yesterday, I felt less of the Sunday blues...though more of a sense of "What the hell just happened?!"  And today, it's a little weird not going to work at Kids Path.  So, I'm digesting.  I think in this case, saying goodbye to a part of my life and integrating it in a new way is going to take a while, which, admittedly, I wasn't totally prepared for.  The bright side of the goodbye, though, is that I get to feel/think/say it and understand how important and meaningful that is.  

Bye, Greensboro!  It's been real.

Home Alone

I found this image on one of my favorite blogs, A Cup of Jo.  Pretty sure I'm a cliche...like, one of those girls that says, "My dream is to go on a cross country road trip with my dog" only to have her boyfriend say he's heard that line a billion times.  Yes, that happened.  Whatever.  All I know is 1) I want to do that and 2) I'm guilty of three or four things on this list (minus the cat (weird) and Zumba (double weird)).

Seriously, yoga in your underwear in the living room is the best.  Chocolate in the morning is a balanced breakfast (my mom told me so and she's a nurse).

We interrupt your day...

for a bit of existentialism.

B and I email back and forth during the week.  Sometimes funny stuff, sometimes research-y articles, sometimes cool, design-related things.  I just noticed that for the past few weeks I've been sending him a lot of existential articles about things like anxiety and death.  Obviously, grief over leaving a job in grief work is coming out in my email habits (which makes me laugh about how real/absurd/normal/crazy that is).

So, instead of emailing B these links, I'm going to take a break from subjecting him to my sad, nutty world of internal processing and share it with you instead.  You lucky, lucky dog.

First, this act of This American Life made me sob (I mean, heaving, "What the fuck?!" sobs that actually felt really good).

Second, if you're feeling anxious, here's a little something to put it all in perspective.

Third, an article that I did, in fact, send B.  I've tried using this trick a few times and it is really helpful.  

What I'm Listening To

"Graceland" by Paul Simon--not the single... the whole damn album.  Loved it for a long time.  Lots of reasons why...cultural, political, musical... Plus, we share a birth year.  And who can forget Chevy Chase in "You Can Call Me Al"?

Here's the full album.

If you're into "research" (especially these legit links) about the album, check it out:
Wikipedia (duh)
The Guardian from 2012
Someone's dissertation (Thanks Jonathan Greer!)
NPR's "All Songs Considered"

Mala update

65 days into my 108-day yoga mala.  How's it going?  Hard.  But not in the "go hard" sense.  More like mental gymnastics.  Getting to yoga class is sometimes difficult because of my work schedule or because I already taught and don't feel like going back to the studio after working and teaching.  And physically, taking the class isn't an issue.  The toughest thing has been convincing myself that I'm still doing yoga AND doing my best if I do a 5 minute home practice.  

I came at this challenge with simple guidelines: "It doesn't have to be pretty.  I don't have to do yoga for a set amount of time.  I just need to get to class or do a home practice once a day until May 15, 2014."

Well, overall, I've managed to do yoga at least 5 times a week.  Pretty good, right?  There's just this little annoying part of me that says "You're not doing it right and pushing hard enough!" that makes me feel kind of anxious about not reaching my goal.  Like, it's all a wash if I don't take a balls to the wall yoga class every day for 108 days.  Or, 5 minutes doesn't really count as yoga, so I may as well not do anything at all.  Or, even more self-sabotaging, if I can't tell other people that I did this challenge the hard way, and get their gold star of approval, then I failed.  Hellllooooo Perfectionism.  

So, I put on my counselor hat and asked, "What would I tell a client who might be in this position? What imaginative strategies might give me the key to unlocking some of this bullshit?" 

1) Acknowledge Perfectionism--understand some of that self-sabotaging thought

2) Go with the simple guidelines and accept the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable to feel like I'm taking the easy way out

3) Maybe even expand or change the guidelines so that I can include teaching as part of "doing" yoga--It's my damn challenge; I do what I want.  If it makes me anxious to "miss" classes because I'm feeling stretched and need a break, then TAKE A BREAK and include your time already spent in the studio!

It just so happens that I'm reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, at the same time as this challenge.  Letting go of that Perfectionism is going to be a good practice in the midst of this transition to Raleigh--something I'm doing for me just like this mala.  With 43 days left to go, I'm going to try giving myself a little grace.   

Celebrations!

This weekend was all about birthdays: my sister's quarter century bash and my Grammy's 94th(!).  I am so lucky to celebrate them! 

Ally planned a 70s themed roller skating party which turned out to be hilarious! So much laughing and solid fun! 

Here we are American Hustle-ing. We capped off the night by shutting down the rink with an interpretive couples skate to much applause. 👯

Also got to celebrate Grammy with a tea party. I recently read an article about your "spiritual age" (i.e. How old you feel or imagine yourself to be) and asked Grammy about it. Grammy said sometimes she feels young and sometimes feels 100 and never thought she'd live to the year 2000. For her spiritual age she stated "in my 40s because I was very busy then and helping people" and proceeded to list the zillion things she's done. This is a lady who likes having something to do. I guess that's a nugget to take from her experience: keep busy and help people. At 94, she still does despite hearing and vision loss and sometimes feeling 100. 

So much fun with my sweet family and friends in Raleigh this weekend! I can't tell you how freaking excited I am about moving here very soon. Every time I get to hang out with folks here it just feels like home...like this is what's been missing all along...and it's comforting to know I've made the intentional decision to step into the unknown and follow my heart to where it feels at ease. At this point, I'm six weeks away from diving into the joyful unknown of possibilities that lie ahead here. 

Until then, here's capturing what's present and real and adorable right now:

Goodnight!

K

108

Without sounding too "woo woo" about numerology, astrology, energy fields, etc., I want to let you in on something about me:  I really dig that shit. Whether or not it's just me being superstitious, I think learning about these things gives some good food for thought.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  That's what most people do with organized religion, right?

I recently gave in my resignation from Kids Path.  My last day is May 15, 2014.  I know most of you are thinking, "Why the hell is she submitting her resignation NOW?  She's shooting herself in the foot."  Well, for you naysayers and finger-waggers, the three plus month resignation date is a means for planning--for me as I figure out what's next and for my employers so they can make sure they've got some coverage for the things we planned for the spring.

Why May 15th?  The date adds to the number 9, which is my personal number.  It's also a number that signifies endings.  05/15/2014:  0 + 5 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 0 +1 + 4 = 18 --> 1 + 8 = 9  The next day (5/16/2014) is a 1--a good number for beginnings.  Look at this woo woo site for more about it.  In other words, I'm going full circle--endings to beginnings.

And yesterday I had an idea.  With all the anxiety I've been feeling about wanting to leave Greensboro and waffling over my job, I thought a yoga challenge would provide something positive to focus on and help me get into a better head/heart/body/spirit space.  But how many days to do this challenge?  And then it came to me: 108.  I have exactly 108 days until I leave my job.  And 108 is a sacred number that also corresponds to my own sacred number 9 (1 + 0 + 8 = 9).  It all adds up.  Yoga every day for 108 days.  It doesn't have to be pretty.  I don't have to do yoga for a set amount of time.  I just need to get to class or do a home practice once a day until May 15, 2014.

A little more about numbers and yoga...  108 is an auspicious number in numerology.  Check it out.  In yoga, a mala consists of asanas (postures) that flow with the breath.  Each vinyasa (movement with breath) is like a bead on a strand.  When yogis talk about a yoga mala they may be referring to a series of 108 sun salutations done to mark the change of seasons or a transition time. The 108 salutations are a reflection of the 108 prayer beads found on a japa mala used in Hinduism.  Here's more about malas.




This 108 day challenge is my way of reflecting on my time in Greensboro before I officially say goodbye.  It's also a time to make some meaning out of my experiences here--specifically my purpose, grad school, working at Kids Path, and my personal emotional/spiritual work.  Doing this challenge is a way for me to come "full circle" in the midst of a lot of transition.  I can't guarantee that I'll write about each day of yoga, but perhaps every day I will write one word or phrase that comes to mind when I think about my time in Greensboro.

Today the word is serendipitous.

Brave and also afraid

For starters: I am, overall, very brave.  I'm also afraid of some very specific things that I try to ignore.  This realization came to me while listening to a radio story in which the interviewee talked about her recent breast cancer diagnosis and surgery.  Listening to stuff like this (sometimes) makes me kind of twitchy (because I'm afraid of cancer) and like I want to change the station but I can't because I'm too engrossed in my listener/interviewee relationship and I want to hear what happens next.  Does she get better?!  Does she have a near-death experience?!  Will there be some epiphany of wisdom that I don't want to miss?!    

As much as I affirm my resolution of Love Over Fear, I think there's a point in which my mantra can sound punitive.  Instead of a voice that purrs "Love over fear, sweetie," it becomes some sort of drill sergeant that orders me to do push ups every time I ignore it yelling, "LOVE OVER FEAR YOU GODDAMNED IDIOT!"  Sometimes, too, I think this mantra acts like a thought-stopping device that is both parts helpful for redirecting my attention to the positive and hurtful in facilitating deflection or ignorance of the fears I have.

As brave as I am, I need to explore fear in order to get past it (and by getting past it, I mean coming to terms with it).  If I ignore it, fear becomes this Big Thing that takes away any feelings of love and empowerment.  Further, I need to love myself in the midst of being afraid.  Loving myself in that uncomfortable moment allows me to care for me and, in turn, be able to know, seek out, and give love to others.  Here's another way of saying it:  loving in times of fear makes it easier to know what love is.  When we know what love is, we're able to see it when it's in front of us...we're able to go after it...we're able to get past the fear because we understand both sides.

So, here's the deal:  I'm starting a series of entries called "Afraid of: __________."  (I'll fill in the blank, don't you worry).  My hopes in writing these down are 1) Tell you all my deep, dark secrets (sort of); 2) explore my fears and make them less of a Big Thing; 3) Foster some sort of universality--because I know that I'm not the only person who feels afraid and it may just be that we share some of the same fears.

Speaking of which, that's the premise behind Fran Krause's Tumbler, "Deep, Dark Fears."  I just told B about this one:



What are you afraid of?

Sundays

Today I bolted home from my weekend with B.  I hadn't seen him for two weeks, but instead of spending my Sunday afternoon with him, I rushed back to Greensboro.  I spent the whole ride home wondering why (and also feeling slightly guilty).  I didn't have to grocery shop.  I wasn't going back to do yoga.  All I've done is fix this blog, read, walk the dog, eat snacks, and feel sorry for myself.  WTF?!

Sundays make me mopey.  (Well, I make myself mopey).  But the point is that Sunday brings thoughts of the week ahead and leaving my honeymoon weekend time with B and having to go back to Greensboro and suck it up another week.  It's as if the dreams and possibilities born of Friday and Saturday freedom blow away with Sunday sadness on the horizon.

I wonder if I rush to Greensboro because it leaves less time for me to ruminate about having to come back to "reality" and forces me to get back to the grind.  I wonder if I rush because I'm afraid of my own happiness and fear it's going to be stripped from me (read: deep seated childhood shit).  Both scenarios leave little room for presence or living in love over fear.  It's fear that drives the rushing; and it's fear that leaves me thinking, "If I don't leave now I'm going to be more sad than I already am and I don't want to expose B to that.  I may as well go home so I can fix my thoughts on getting ready for next week."  But have my thoughts been fixed on next week?  No.  They've been fixed on eating my feelings, er, snacks.



And another, more vulnerable aspect: I'm afraid of B seeing me for who I really am sometimes...like when I'm about to cry over having to go home and am left with a black hole of longing in my chest; or when I'm to the point of pacing with madness in wanting us to live in the same city RIGHT NOW.  He's seen me in poor shape a time or two and shows incredible compassion and understanding when I need it most.  It's just...I don't want to rely on him so much while I feel so vulnerable because I'm also afraid that I'll become a Stage 5 Clinger (i.e. codependent).  On the other hand, I'm also afraid of him getting the full scope of my Single Girl Habits when we do end up in the same place.  You know...standing up in the kitchen eating cold spaghetti sauce out of the container, uncontrollable chocolate urges that cause cabinet ransacking/going to the closest store for candy, leaving dirty socks on the bathroom counter, really not caring if my pillow case has dog hair on it before I go to sleep, and maybe sometimes re-wearing the same workout shirt I had on yesterday because it doesn't really smell that bad and I'm just going to get a shower anyway.



But what the hell, we all fart under the covers at some point or other.

And now...Congratulations!  You've made it to the end of this post.  I'm tired of writing about mopey Sundays and self-analysis.  If, for shits and giggles, you want to get the full effect of my psychological wiring, please reread this piece from the top.  Repeat.  (Continue this process for at least two hours).  Then maybe read a funny book or watch a non-scary show.  Girls is a good choice.

Bedtime

I know I shouldn't use electronics before bed.  It's what we preach to parents about getting their kids to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and making bedtime a ritual.  But I have a ritual with my phone: check Facebook, check Instagram, look for jobs online, check Instagram again, and look at my countdown app to reassure myself that I'm getting out of Greensboro in less than four months.  And back to looking for jobs.  Or apartments.  And then reading my Kindle.

Georgia probably thinks it's a game of favorites with my iPhone and she's coming in second place.  Damn good thing I don't have kids.

Besides the fact that I wind myself down with apps, I've also gotten good at winding myself up with an inner monologue raging against winter.


This is me.  Raging.  (on the inside).

That and ruminating about how my thighs feel wiggly.  And how I have a group to plan for and run in two days but all I really want to do is sleep in and drink hot chocolate and eat Milky Way bars.  Did I mention I'm basically hibernating?

Right.  On to sweet dreams of warmth and summer!

Love over fear

All's been quiet on the blogging front.  That's pretty much how I roll.  No news then a ton of it. I just reread some entries and thought, "Holy shit.  Have I really not written for a year and a half?!"

Let's get you up to speed.  You can see some of what I've been up to here: www.theheartofplay.com  It's my counseling blog.  June 2012-present in a nutshell:  Became deeply in love with someone; had an internship at Kids Path doing grief counseling with children (i.e. dove into the deep end of emotion, started learning what I'm capable of, and learned how to swim); worked some shit out; graduated in May 2013; went to Croatia with my love; "officially" moved to Greensboro to start working full time at Kids Path; and have since been on a "hero's journey" into the abyss of figuring out some more shit about swimming.  

The last seven months have been pretty much an emotional roller coaster.  The highs of graduating, getting a new job, being in an amazing relationship...the lows of realizing I'm still in Greensboro without my family and Raleigh friends around the corner, realizing how effing hard it is to be a children's grief counselor, and still commuting to see my love every. fucking. weekend.  There is so much of a yin-yang aspect to all of these changes and such a parallel to what I tell my clients about feelings/reactions/coping with grief.  I'm having to practice what I preach.

That said, I've done a lot of agonizing over whether or not to stay where I am or go where I feel my heart is pulling me.  And my heart is speaking at VOL MAX.  The heart says, "Go to Raleigh. Be with your family and friends.  Be where you feel wrapped in familiarity and love."  The head has been telling me, "Don't give up!  This is a great career move!  It's only X amount of time.  You can get through it.  Plus, you're being a wimp by going back to what's comfortable."  But the head has been telling me this for three and half years.  I think the heart feels left out.

You want to know why I think so?  Here's why: my body is telling me it's upset based on where I end up having painful psoriasis flare ups (over my heart and the center of my chest where physically feel anxious), getting sick for the first time in over two years after coming home from Christmas and agonizing over leaving my family during the holidays, and general feelings of anxiety and stress.  One can attribute sickness, psoriasis, immune function, malaise, etc. to whatever cause...but it's all related: psychological, emotional, spiritual, social, physical...and the underlying problem is that I'm not meeting my own needs.

In true recovering perfectionist fashion (i.e. needing to justify my needs--what?!), I found a great article by Srinivasan Pillay about why we belabor our choices to move from a job (or really any change for that matter).  Here's an excerpt:

"In order for change to occur, cognitive dissonance is essential. What is cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is a conflict between two ideas that one holds at the same time in one's mind: "I want to leave my job but a new job is frightening". When dissonance exists in this state in one's mind, the ability to choose between two alternatives is very difficult. Even more difficult, is the choice between leaving one's job and not knowing what one is going to do: here the choice is between your current job and an unknown one. As long as your commitment is to the current job, your brain will come up with reasons to support that choice. People often wait for that time to come when they can make the commitment to leave "rationally" so that they can feel good about the change, but this time often never does come.

What is required is for people to choose to be committed to leaving. When attention is fixed on this task, the likelihood of doing it is much greater, even when the choice is initially unknown. In fact, brain research has shown that when we make a choice, the rewarding effect of that choice on our brains is greater after we make that choice than before we do this. It is as though our brains seek to affirm for us that our new choice is better. In fact, it does appear that we feel better about our choices after we make them than before. The balance between rationalizing a bad choice and making a commitment prior to being certain is what keeps most people stuck."  

It's not that I think moving to Greensboro was a "bad choice."  It is what it is and it was a choice I made in slight desperation, fearing not finding a job in Raleigh that aligned so well with my interests and abilities.  Moreover,  there was probably some part of me that thought I'd hang up my independence if I moved and didn't have a shingle to put out.  But moving here also helped me get to where I am now: clear that I want to live my life in love over fear.  

I love my job but have limited tools to balance out the gravity of grief counseling in my personal life.  I love my family and friends and the city I hold dear much more than my job.  And I'm willing to risk being afraid and leaping into the unknown for the sake of that love.  So, I'm choosing to be committed to leaving Kids Path, leaving Greensboro.  This past seven months has brought me to this and I've chosen a date.  I have no other plans than that..  In fact, just setting my time frame helps me have more perspective on the present and what I can contribute and get back right now, so I actually feel happier and not worried about what's next.  

So now you know what's up and the mantra my heart beats: love over fear.  It's time to listen to what I need and let that be reason enough to go forward with some tough decisions.  I'm ready.