love/hate

february and i have a love/hate relationship. funny, for a month that prides itself on the cozy snuggling up of valentines day and love in the coldest of winter months. i love/hate february because, inevitably, every year, i'm bound to a month of looking both outside and in.

what i mean is, for starters (on the outside), it's finally gotten cold in NC, so i've resorted to the electric blanket and wearing my parka around the house. (electric blanket = best gift ever). cold makes me achy and nostalgic, ready for hibernation and ten chocolate bars a day. and cheese. and things i'd rather do without at any other time. there's also this feeling that creeps in and stays heavy in my shoulders for a good six weeks--cold in my bones and submission, withering to the weather over which i have no control.

inside. that's another story. this past weekend was spent on mostly introverted endeavors, pondering the meaning of life, etc., etc. (folks, i watched Beaches--the one with Bette Midler--for crying out loud!). i guess i was feeling slightly miffed about things and the fact that my life seems slightly less than my own. and then here i am single and longing for overflowing, drunk-in-over-my-head L.O.V.E. that makes wearing a silk chemise to bed (knowing someone who makes me feel that way is using that otherwise cold second pillow) so much more rewarding. and, you know, at some point all the yoga in the world isn't going to make that feeling go away.

(besides that) i had the chance to go to dinner with Gram (one of the most vibrant people i know who also happens to be my grandmother) and she gave me relationship advice--and y'all she's like the oracle. she reminded me of where i was in my life. she encouraged me. she was real--not just my grandma, but an ally in my experience. sitting there with her, i was just reminded of and so grateful for the strong women in my family who have influenced my own womanhood.

sunday, i went to celebrate my uncle's birthday, which was wonderful and poignant at the same time. he reminds me of my dad so much, and i know he can't help but think about his brother when he sees my sister or me. and then, there was cake and celebration and laughing and more family and love--so much love being with them all.

the conclusion: the past few days refocused how in control and totally out of control of my life i am. for one, i can't control the weather and how the bitter wind freezes my laundry to the porch rails. i can't control the fact that my dad isn't around to celebrate his brother's birthday with our family. and i just about can't control the overwhelming, bursting feeling i get when i think about how much love i feel for the people in my life. (i don't even know if this string of thoughts is making any sense at all). there's this whole school of thought that posits how it's not the being in control of events but the management of your reactions to them that determines how you'll fare through change. perls called it logotherapy. buddha emphasized non-attachment. and then there's philosophy even going back to Epictetus who said, "men are not disturbed by things but of the view which they take of them."

so here i am, hating and loving this month as i confront all of the circumstances of my life right now, hating to deal with cold and nostalgia and longing, and loving the upwelling of feeling and richness these circumstances give to my experience. it's time to stop grasping so much, for the letting go to get a little more serious, and let it be.

by the way, here's my new favorite love song. i hope you like it because i do a lot.