108

Without sounding too "woo woo" about numerology, astrology, energy fields, etc., I want to let you in on something about me:  I really dig that shit. Whether or not it's just me being superstitious, I think learning about these things gives some good food for thought.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  That's what most people do with organized religion, right?

I recently gave in my resignation from Kids Path.  My last day is May 15, 2014.  I know most of you are thinking, "Why the hell is she submitting her resignation NOW?  She's shooting herself in the foot."  Well, for you naysayers and finger-waggers, the three plus month resignation date is a means for planning--for me as I figure out what's next and for my employers so they can make sure they've got some coverage for the things we planned for the spring.

Why May 15th?  The date adds to the number 9, which is my personal number.  It's also a number that signifies endings.  05/15/2014:  0 + 5 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 0 +1 + 4 = 18 --> 1 + 8 = 9  The next day (5/16/2014) is a 1--a good number for beginnings.  Look at this woo woo site for more about it.  In other words, I'm going full circle--endings to beginnings.

And yesterday I had an idea.  With all the anxiety I've been feeling about wanting to leave Greensboro and waffling over my job, I thought a yoga challenge would provide something positive to focus on and help me get into a better head/heart/body/spirit space.  But how many days to do this challenge?  And then it came to me: 108.  I have exactly 108 days until I leave my job.  And 108 is a sacred number that also corresponds to my own sacred number 9 (1 + 0 + 8 = 9).  It all adds up.  Yoga every day for 108 days.  It doesn't have to be pretty.  I don't have to do yoga for a set amount of time.  I just need to get to class or do a home practice once a day until May 15, 2014.

A little more about numbers and yoga...  108 is an auspicious number in numerology.  Check it out.  In yoga, a mala consists of asanas (postures) that flow with the breath.  Each vinyasa (movement with breath) is like a bead on a strand.  When yogis talk about a yoga mala they may be referring to a series of 108 sun salutations done to mark the change of seasons or a transition time. The 108 salutations are a reflection of the 108 prayer beads found on a japa mala used in Hinduism.  Here's more about malas.




This 108 day challenge is my way of reflecting on my time in Greensboro before I officially say goodbye.  It's also a time to make some meaning out of my experiences here--specifically my purpose, grad school, working at Kids Path, and my personal emotional/spiritual work.  Doing this challenge is a way for me to come "full circle" in the midst of a lot of transition.  I can't guarantee that I'll write about each day of yoga, but perhaps every day I will write one word or phrase that comes to mind when I think about my time in Greensboro.

Today the word is serendipitous.

Brave and also afraid

For starters: I am, overall, very brave.  I'm also afraid of some very specific things that I try to ignore.  This realization came to me while listening to a radio story in which the interviewee talked about her recent breast cancer diagnosis and surgery.  Listening to stuff like this (sometimes) makes me kind of twitchy (because I'm afraid of cancer) and like I want to change the station but I can't because I'm too engrossed in my listener/interviewee relationship and I want to hear what happens next.  Does she get better?!  Does she have a near-death experience?!  Will there be some epiphany of wisdom that I don't want to miss?!    

As much as I affirm my resolution of Love Over Fear, I think there's a point in which my mantra can sound punitive.  Instead of a voice that purrs "Love over fear, sweetie," it becomes some sort of drill sergeant that orders me to do push ups every time I ignore it yelling, "LOVE OVER FEAR YOU GODDAMNED IDIOT!"  Sometimes, too, I think this mantra acts like a thought-stopping device that is both parts helpful for redirecting my attention to the positive and hurtful in facilitating deflection or ignorance of the fears I have.

As brave as I am, I need to explore fear in order to get past it (and by getting past it, I mean coming to terms with it).  If I ignore it, fear becomes this Big Thing that takes away any feelings of love and empowerment.  Further, I need to love myself in the midst of being afraid.  Loving myself in that uncomfortable moment allows me to care for me and, in turn, be able to know, seek out, and give love to others.  Here's another way of saying it:  loving in times of fear makes it easier to know what love is.  When we know what love is, we're able to see it when it's in front of us...we're able to go after it...we're able to get past the fear because we understand both sides.

So, here's the deal:  I'm starting a series of entries called "Afraid of: __________."  (I'll fill in the blank, don't you worry).  My hopes in writing these down are 1) Tell you all my deep, dark secrets (sort of); 2) explore my fears and make them less of a Big Thing; 3) Foster some sort of universality--because I know that I'm not the only person who feels afraid and it may just be that we share some of the same fears.

Speaking of which, that's the premise behind Fran Krause's Tumbler, "Deep, Dark Fears."  I just told B about this one:



What are you afraid of?

Sundays

Today I bolted home from my weekend with B.  I hadn't seen him for two weeks, but instead of spending my Sunday afternoon with him, I rushed back to Greensboro.  I spent the whole ride home wondering why (and also feeling slightly guilty).  I didn't have to grocery shop.  I wasn't going back to do yoga.  All I've done is fix this blog, read, walk the dog, eat snacks, and feel sorry for myself.  WTF?!

Sundays make me mopey.  (Well, I make myself mopey).  But the point is that Sunday brings thoughts of the week ahead and leaving my honeymoon weekend time with B and having to go back to Greensboro and suck it up another week.  It's as if the dreams and possibilities born of Friday and Saturday freedom blow away with Sunday sadness on the horizon.

I wonder if I rush to Greensboro because it leaves less time for me to ruminate about having to come back to "reality" and forces me to get back to the grind.  I wonder if I rush because I'm afraid of my own happiness and fear it's going to be stripped from me (read: deep seated childhood shit).  Both scenarios leave little room for presence or living in love over fear.  It's fear that drives the rushing; and it's fear that leaves me thinking, "If I don't leave now I'm going to be more sad than I already am and I don't want to expose B to that.  I may as well go home so I can fix my thoughts on getting ready for next week."  But have my thoughts been fixed on next week?  No.  They've been fixed on eating my feelings, er, snacks.



And another, more vulnerable aspect: I'm afraid of B seeing me for who I really am sometimes...like when I'm about to cry over having to go home and am left with a black hole of longing in my chest; or when I'm to the point of pacing with madness in wanting us to live in the same city RIGHT NOW.  He's seen me in poor shape a time or two and shows incredible compassion and understanding when I need it most.  It's just...I don't want to rely on him so much while I feel so vulnerable because I'm also afraid that I'll become a Stage 5 Clinger (i.e. codependent).  On the other hand, I'm also afraid of him getting the full scope of my Single Girl Habits when we do end up in the same place.  You know...standing up in the kitchen eating cold spaghetti sauce out of the container, uncontrollable chocolate urges that cause cabinet ransacking/going to the closest store for candy, leaving dirty socks on the bathroom counter, really not caring if my pillow case has dog hair on it before I go to sleep, and maybe sometimes re-wearing the same workout shirt I had on yesterday because it doesn't really smell that bad and I'm just going to get a shower anyway.



But what the hell, we all fart under the covers at some point or other.

And now...Congratulations!  You've made it to the end of this post.  I'm tired of writing about mopey Sundays and self-analysis.  If, for shits and giggles, you want to get the full effect of my psychological wiring, please reread this piece from the top.  Repeat.  (Continue this process for at least two hours).  Then maybe read a funny book or watch a non-scary show.  Girls is a good choice.

Bedtime

I know I shouldn't use electronics before bed.  It's what we preach to parents about getting their kids to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and making bedtime a ritual.  But I have a ritual with my phone: check Facebook, check Instagram, look for jobs online, check Instagram again, and look at my countdown app to reassure myself that I'm getting out of Greensboro in less than four months.  And back to looking for jobs.  Or apartments.  And then reading my Kindle.

Georgia probably thinks it's a game of favorites with my iPhone and she's coming in second place.  Damn good thing I don't have kids.

Besides the fact that I wind myself down with apps, I've also gotten good at winding myself up with an inner monologue raging against winter.


This is me.  Raging.  (on the inside).

That and ruminating about how my thighs feel wiggly.  And how I have a group to plan for and run in two days but all I really want to do is sleep in and drink hot chocolate and eat Milky Way bars.  Did I mention I'm basically hibernating?

Right.  On to sweet dreams of warmth and summer!

Love over fear

All's been quiet on the blogging front.  That's pretty much how I roll.  No news then a ton of it. I just reread some entries and thought, "Holy shit.  Have I really not written for a year and a half?!"

Let's get you up to speed.  You can see some of what I've been up to here: www.theheartofplay.com  It's my counseling blog.  June 2012-present in a nutshell:  Became deeply in love with someone; had an internship at Kids Path doing grief counseling with children (i.e. dove into the deep end of emotion, started learning what I'm capable of, and learned how to swim); worked some shit out; graduated in May 2013; went to Croatia with my love; "officially" moved to Greensboro to start working full time at Kids Path; and have since been on a "hero's journey" into the abyss of figuring out some more shit about swimming.  

The last seven months have been pretty much an emotional roller coaster.  The highs of graduating, getting a new job, being in an amazing relationship...the lows of realizing I'm still in Greensboro without my family and Raleigh friends around the corner, realizing how effing hard it is to be a children's grief counselor, and still commuting to see my love every. fucking. weekend.  There is so much of a yin-yang aspect to all of these changes and such a parallel to what I tell my clients about feelings/reactions/coping with grief.  I'm having to practice what I preach.

That said, I've done a lot of agonizing over whether or not to stay where I am or go where I feel my heart is pulling me.  And my heart is speaking at VOL MAX.  The heart says, "Go to Raleigh. Be with your family and friends.  Be where you feel wrapped in familiarity and love."  The head has been telling me, "Don't give up!  This is a great career move!  It's only X amount of time.  You can get through it.  Plus, you're being a wimp by going back to what's comfortable."  But the head has been telling me this for three and half years.  I think the heart feels left out.

You want to know why I think so?  Here's why: my body is telling me it's upset based on where I end up having painful psoriasis flare ups (over my heart and the center of my chest where physically feel anxious), getting sick for the first time in over two years after coming home from Christmas and agonizing over leaving my family during the holidays, and general feelings of anxiety and stress.  One can attribute sickness, psoriasis, immune function, malaise, etc. to whatever cause...but it's all related: psychological, emotional, spiritual, social, physical...and the underlying problem is that I'm not meeting my own needs.

In true recovering perfectionist fashion (i.e. needing to justify my needs--what?!), I found a great article by Srinivasan Pillay about why we belabor our choices to move from a job (or really any change for that matter).  Here's an excerpt:

"In order for change to occur, cognitive dissonance is essential. What is cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is a conflict between two ideas that one holds at the same time in one's mind: "I want to leave my job but a new job is frightening". When dissonance exists in this state in one's mind, the ability to choose between two alternatives is very difficult. Even more difficult, is the choice between leaving one's job and not knowing what one is going to do: here the choice is between your current job and an unknown one. As long as your commitment is to the current job, your brain will come up with reasons to support that choice. People often wait for that time to come when they can make the commitment to leave "rationally" so that they can feel good about the change, but this time often never does come.

What is required is for people to choose to be committed to leaving. When attention is fixed on this task, the likelihood of doing it is much greater, even when the choice is initially unknown. In fact, brain research has shown that when we make a choice, the rewarding effect of that choice on our brains is greater after we make that choice than before we do this. It is as though our brains seek to affirm for us that our new choice is better. In fact, it does appear that we feel better about our choices after we make them than before. The balance between rationalizing a bad choice and making a commitment prior to being certain is what keeps most people stuck."  

It's not that I think moving to Greensboro was a "bad choice."  It is what it is and it was a choice I made in slight desperation, fearing not finding a job in Raleigh that aligned so well with my interests and abilities.  Moreover,  there was probably some part of me that thought I'd hang up my independence if I moved and didn't have a shingle to put out.  But moving here also helped me get to where I am now: clear that I want to live my life in love over fear.  

I love my job but have limited tools to balance out the gravity of grief counseling in my personal life.  I love my family and friends and the city I hold dear much more than my job.  And I'm willing to risk being afraid and leaping into the unknown for the sake of that love.  So, I'm choosing to be committed to leaving Kids Path, leaving Greensboro.  This past seven months has brought me to this and I've chosen a date.  I have no other plans than that..  In fact, just setting my time frame helps me have more perspective on the present and what I can contribute and get back right now, so I actually feel happier and not worried about what's next.  

So now you know what's up and the mantra my heart beats: love over fear.  It's time to listen to what I need and let that be reason enough to go forward with some tough decisions.  I'm ready.