Loving the Fool

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." -- Theodore I. Rubin, MD


This quote describes my life this very minute, thinking about the timing of everything. This weekend was crazy. J came to visit and I went to Penland to party with Marie and Nicole. There's so much to write about regarding relationships and friends and expectations...but that's involved and long and too nebulous to write right now. I'm just taking it all in, filtering through experiences past and imaginary, and connecting these moments not in a linear fashion but more like a spiral, each one building on the next, moving out, always connected to a center point. 


Bottom line: I had fun with the guy but we just don't have It. I love my friends. I'm glad to have had the combination of these events take place the same weekend because it's forcing me to be more honest with myself and my needs. I need someone who can be real, unguarded, healthy in mind, body and spirit, and who gives a fuck about life. I have that with my friends and family thank goodness.


Most of all, if it weren't for these experiences and people, I would be missing the rapturous wonder and passion and turmoil that is being human. I'm a fool within reason. Someone who swings between reckless abandon and uptight responsibility to finally rest somewhere in the middle. This weekend is helping bring me back to the middle, as I'm ready to be balanced again. I need to process. I need to love the fool in me.