A lot of times I find myself wishing for more time to do the things I know bring me into balance. You know, that state of being totally centered and peaceful and well rested, ready to brighten the world with a spirit of possibility and generosity one might be able (if they look close enough) to see behind my eyeballs and touch in my wake. That state, if I've felt it at all, comes only once in a while.
Right now is one of those times when I have more time. Since I have this luxury (and really, it is such a luxury after dealing with weird sleep patterns, some minor health problems, and a persistent left eye twitch), I've been able to go home and visit my family more in Raleigh, refocus on my yoga practice, and plan lots of fun adventures. Yesterday, I even did "a double" in yoga (ie. two ninety minute classes in the hot room in one day!). I also got ten hours of sleep (omfg). And I flossed (no, I don't do that regularly, but I'm not shoulding myself about it).
Even with my best intentions for getting back to center, it wouldn't be all yin and yang if I didn't (intentionally or unintentionally, I'm not sure), drink a few beers after yoga, sleepy eat before bed (yeah, I do that), and wake up after a few hours only to end up searching for new iPhone cases on Amazon until my alarm went off.
Some days you brush your teeth and floss; others, you just have to have the giant chocolate chip cookie, eat a load of Swedish fish, and drink a few beers. Sometimes these things happen on the same day. That's just how it goes. And telling you I do otherwise would be false.
Here's the other thing: As much as I crave balance and clarity and doing all the Right Things (especially when it comes to health), the bottom line is that 1) I don't do all the Right Things...and I'm not going to; 2) I actually kind of like getting a little crazy. Against the backdrop of Crazy, Balance becomes more meaningful; 3) Sometimes, I use balance as a word to replace whatever word it is that means "I'm too afraid to go to the edge and then jump into possibility without fear." Instead of saying, "I'm using this time to get back to balance," it's probably more true to say, "I've been stretched too far and I'm working my way back to my comfort zone."
On the relationship front, I've been thinking about balance and comfort. You see, I've never really been that comfortable letting someone into my life even in some serious relationships...I think I fear being abandoned or not wanted at some level (don't ask me why or how--I don't know), so I try to maintain a ferocious amount of independence that usually sets a precedent and then I wonder why I'm not getting the affection I want. I often ask, "Can I be myself/independent/authentic in a relationship in which I am trying to care for the other person just as much as myself? Can I trust that this other person will care just as much for me as I do him? Can there really be balance?"
Instead of questioning it, I need to start saying, "Yes. Yes. Yes." Stop worrying so much about it, and chances are, things will work themselves out.
Something that stuck with me recently goes like this: If you're going to love, love deeply. In the end, if you're going to get hurt, whether a little or a lot, it's still going to hurt, so you may as well go for the good stuff. And then, there's the reassurance that nothing good gets away. The same goes for anything else worth having.
So, walking to the edge we go. Getting out of the comfort zone. Seeking balance. Trusting the process.
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