Love over fear

All's been quiet on the blogging front.  That's pretty much how I roll.  No news then a ton of it. I just reread some entries and thought, "Holy shit.  Have I really not written for a year and a half?!"

Let's get you up to speed.  You can see some of what I've been up to here: www.theheartofplay.com  It's my counseling blog.  June 2012-present in a nutshell:  Became deeply in love with someone; had an internship at Kids Path doing grief counseling with children (i.e. dove into the deep end of emotion, started learning what I'm capable of, and learned how to swim); worked some shit out; graduated in May 2013; went to Croatia with my love; "officially" moved to Greensboro to start working full time at Kids Path; and have since been on a "hero's journey" into the abyss of figuring out some more shit about swimming.  

The last seven months have been pretty much an emotional roller coaster.  The highs of graduating, getting a new job, being in an amazing relationship...the lows of realizing I'm still in Greensboro without my family and Raleigh friends around the corner, realizing how effing hard it is to be a children's grief counselor, and still commuting to see my love every. fucking. weekend.  There is so much of a yin-yang aspect to all of these changes and such a parallel to what I tell my clients about feelings/reactions/coping with grief.  I'm having to practice what I preach.

That said, I've done a lot of agonizing over whether or not to stay where I am or go where I feel my heart is pulling me.  And my heart is speaking at VOL MAX.  The heart says, "Go to Raleigh. Be with your family and friends.  Be where you feel wrapped in familiarity and love."  The head has been telling me, "Don't give up!  This is a great career move!  It's only X amount of time.  You can get through it.  Plus, you're being a wimp by going back to what's comfortable."  But the head has been telling me this for three and half years.  I think the heart feels left out.

You want to know why I think so?  Here's why: my body is telling me it's upset based on where I end up having painful psoriasis flare ups (over my heart and the center of my chest where physically feel anxious), getting sick for the first time in over two years after coming home from Christmas and agonizing over leaving my family during the holidays, and general feelings of anxiety and stress.  One can attribute sickness, psoriasis, immune function, malaise, etc. to whatever cause...but it's all related: psychological, emotional, spiritual, social, physical...and the underlying problem is that I'm not meeting my own needs.

In true recovering perfectionist fashion (i.e. needing to justify my needs--what?!), I found a great article by Srinivasan Pillay about why we belabor our choices to move from a job (or really any change for that matter).  Here's an excerpt:

"In order for change to occur, cognitive dissonance is essential. What is cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance is a conflict between two ideas that one holds at the same time in one's mind: "I want to leave my job but a new job is frightening". When dissonance exists in this state in one's mind, the ability to choose between two alternatives is very difficult. Even more difficult, is the choice between leaving one's job and not knowing what one is going to do: here the choice is between your current job and an unknown one. As long as your commitment is to the current job, your brain will come up with reasons to support that choice. People often wait for that time to come when they can make the commitment to leave "rationally" so that they can feel good about the change, but this time often never does come.

What is required is for people to choose to be committed to leaving. When attention is fixed on this task, the likelihood of doing it is much greater, even when the choice is initially unknown. In fact, brain research has shown that when we make a choice, the rewarding effect of that choice on our brains is greater after we make that choice than before we do this. It is as though our brains seek to affirm for us that our new choice is better. In fact, it does appear that we feel better about our choices after we make them than before. The balance between rationalizing a bad choice and making a commitment prior to being certain is what keeps most people stuck."  

It's not that I think moving to Greensboro was a "bad choice."  It is what it is and it was a choice I made in slight desperation, fearing not finding a job in Raleigh that aligned so well with my interests and abilities.  Moreover,  there was probably some part of me that thought I'd hang up my independence if I moved and didn't have a shingle to put out.  But moving here also helped me get to where I am now: clear that I want to live my life in love over fear.  

I love my job but have limited tools to balance out the gravity of grief counseling in my personal life.  I love my family and friends and the city I hold dear much more than my job.  And I'm willing to risk being afraid and leaping into the unknown for the sake of that love.  So, I'm choosing to be committed to leaving Kids Path, leaving Greensboro.  This past seven months has brought me to this and I've chosen a date.  I have no other plans than that..  In fact, just setting my time frame helps me have more perspective on the present and what I can contribute and get back right now, so I actually feel happier and not worried about what's next.  

So now you know what's up and the mantra my heart beats: love over fear.  It's time to listen to what I need and let that be reason enough to go forward with some tough decisions.  I'm ready.